I honestly miss having a sincere smile on my face instead of just walking around pretending to be happy when I'm actually not. I think all the hurt that have been building up inside have taken control over me.I mean, I hate feeling sorry for myself but I really have been through so much considering that I'm only 16. I've been bullied on so many occasions, I can't even count with the finger on my hands and toes on feet. I was always told by my '' friends'' that I wasn't good enough, that I can never achieve greatness, that I will always be useless, that I will always be a fat slob but with all my heart I want to prove all of them wrong.
I wish I was strong enough to fight all the negativity away but overtime, it just gets to you and weakens you. I have been told all these things that I've started believing it. I am living through hell on earth but I've gotten used to it. I've gotten used to being a disappointment to my family, friends and as well as my teachers. How can I ever be good enough when I've always done everything wrong, said things that were wrong, acted wrong? I have always thought that as soon as I turn 15 , all of it would stop but it just kept on going and going and going.
In school, people do say negative things to me. For instance, this guy asked me '' Kelsey, why don't you go on a diet? you're so...big'' and being in the moment, I laughed it off but as soon as I got home and I kept thinking about it , the next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom bawling my eyes out, contemplating to take my life. Even my own relatives compare me to my sister. '' Why aren't you as skinny as Kate-lyn?'' , '' Have you ever thought of going on a diet?'' , '' You put on weight'' , '' How about cutting down on what you eat''. I GET IT OKAY, I get that I'm not as smart , beautiful and skinny as my sister(s)
I was constantly mocked for being the way I am , for being the size I am .
On another occasion, I was at the kitchen in my aunt's house and was blocking my cousin's way , so she raised her voice and said '' Kels. you're so big, you're blocking the way, ugh''. I was only 12 at that time so I didn't take it seriously but thinking about it now, it hurts a whole load. In year 3, I had a bunch of '' friends'' that gave me a list of what to eat to loose weight, at the end of explaining to me the different types of food to eat, they said to me '' Only if you loose weight , we will be your friends again''. THAT, that has made the biggest scar in my heart. Knowing that people would only accept you for your weight, it is so horrifying.
I would never wish what I went through to anyone, not even my worst enemy because those are the reasons why I started self harming, thinking about taking my life. Do you know what it
feels like to hate your own body, to hate yourself, to hate how you speak , how you feel , to hate being alive? It eats you inside out, it takes up all your ability to be happy , to feel sincerely happy , to smile with your heart aching to tell that person everything that hurts. Hate is a strong word to use but that's how I felt about myself, for 5 years. Trapped in a mind of someone who didn't want to be alive, someone who turned to the blade every time something went wrong, someone who would constantly thought about suicide. It hurts so much to even write about what I've been through because there are millions that are going through what I'm going through right now.
I just want to tell you what I've rarely been told. You are amazing the way you are. Yes, many people may try to bring you down . Yes, they may insult the way your body looks but you know what, don't give them your time of day. It's hard to shake it off but always try to think positively. No one and I mean no one deserves to be treated like an outcast just because their different and no one deserves to be called hateful words. Everyone is their own individual. You are born with different body shapes, face shapes, colour of hair , face features and so on , why try to change it when you could embrace it? Embrace your features. Once you start being confident with yourself, that's when people will automatically find you beautiful . You are beautiful with or without make-up because you are you.
Signing off :*
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